To My Number 1 Fan
It's Mother's Day today and of course as any child would, I thought of my mom. My mom - she's my number 1 fan, supporter and a very understanding person. She's not all sunshine and rainbows. She can be feisty when the situation calls for it.
My mom was born during an era wherein LGBT people were highly misunderstood. From my understanding, they viewed lesbians as wanting to become boys, who dress up like boys and be all masculine and that's it. They do not know of lesbians like me. You know the "you can't be a lesbian, you're so girly" type of reaction. Yep, that's what I'm trying to say. So she never had a clue.
I've hid my female crushes from her when I was in high school. Heck, I was even able to completely hide a 5-year relationship from her. When I came out to my mom, it wasn't planned. It just happened because I couldn't take it anymore. She was utterly shocked and I knew there was no going back. It took awhile for her to warm up to this person I call my wife, to see me living my life with a woman.
And yet, after that shell shock, she cautiously went back into my life. She'd ask about me and my wife. She'd try to make small talkswith her which I found so adorably awkward. She doesn't fully understand us - this group of people and how complex and normal we are. Sometimes, she says things that hurt me without her realizing it. I know it's not her intention. I know she's not homophobic, she was just born in a time where phrases like "Bakla kasi (Because he's gay)" were justifiable reasons as to why someone could be acting in a negative way. As if that's in any way right.
Whenever she says things like these, my heart twists and I tell myself, she doesn't really mean it or she doesn't know. It became such a normal thing to say, for them at least. It was like saying, "hey". I never said anything about it. I kept quiet.
Until recently, I couldn't take it anymore and I snapped. I told my mom that I won't take this anymore. That enough is enough. That this is very offensive and it hurts me. I didn't know how she would react. But 5 years in since I came out, she's come a long way too.
She tried to calm me down and said she was sorry and that it won't happen again. That's my mom. She tries so hard to understand who I am and even though she can't fully understand me and my life, one thing I'm sure of is that she will never stop trying. She'll even defend me with all her feistiness. (Which she did by the way, she told my dad, you have no right to judge her. So don't even try. But that's another story.) I sometimes ask myself, "why does she do this?" But i know the answer,
It's because she's my mom and I am her daughter. And no matter how much fights and disagreements we have, even if we really (sometimes) cannot understand each other, one thing will remain - we will find a way and we will continue to love each other no matter what.
So thank you, Ma. And I love you.
