Stories That Matter: My Sister's Transgender Journey
For many, she's just another face in the crowd, just another transgender, but for me, she's an inspiration.
That's my brother, Yssam. Well I used to call her "brother".
In the Philippines, an older brother is called "kuya" as a sign of respect. For some reason, it never felt right to me to call Yssam "kuya Yssam". Not because I don't respect her, but because it just didn't sit right with me and I knew that she didn't like the sound of it.
Yssam, my lovely sister somewhere in Europe
Our Strong Bond
We grew up very close. The fact that she's only almost 2 years older than me played a part. We belted out Mariah Carey songs, hit balls in the tennis court, went to the beach for morning and afternoon swims, did chores together, sat in silence together, shared private jokes and a lot lot more.
Of course, not everything was sunshine and rainbows between the two of us. What I remember is that when either of us is pissed at the other, we would have a cool off, not talk to each other. But after a few hours of silent treatment, we're back to being buddies again. I guess we have this sort of unspoken rule that whoever got pissed would be the one to break the silent treatment and no more questions asked, everything is back to normal.
We studied in the same school from preschool to high school. While in preschool, Yssam would walk me to my class. I was in nursery class and she was in kindergarten. I remember she would ask me to promise that I would not start crying again once she leaves for her own class. I would just nod my head. But when she starts to leave, I would start crying...crying so hard that I often ended up in her class sitting right beside her. (Maybe this is why it felt natural for me to hang around Yssam's class on my free time during high school years.)
Our Growing Up Years Were Extra Hard for Yssam
Growing up, things weren't always easy for Yssam. Actually, things were extra hard for her. I've witnessed her being taunted by kids and adults in our neighborhood. Kids can be mean sometimes. "Bakla", "bading" are a few words they would throw at her in an insulting manner. Up until now, many Filipinos use these 2 terms to belittle and taunt gay and even transgender people.
I would often come to her defense. Many times when we're just walking in our street, kids our age and even older than us would snicker and shout bakla or bading to her. Yssam would just ignore them. But me on the other hand, I get riled up. She would always stop me from confronting them. But I get so mad that often I'd go ahead and confront them anyway. In some occasions I have punched a few. I never said I was a smart kid. But as I got older (and hopefully a tad smarter) I realized it was wrong for me to resort to violence.
From Left to Right: Me and Yssam enjoying lunch
The First Time I Saw Yssam in Women's Clothing
Yssam only started wearing women's clothes when she was already working in the city. I guess it's because she did not want the extra attention she would get back in our small hometown. She was already bullied just because she identified as a woman or she moved and talked in a "feminine" way.
But I do remember that one time when we were playing in our mom's room. She gave me a fashion show. She wore one of our Mom's dresses and a pair of high heeled shoes. And as she was strutting in front of me just like when models do in the runway, she said, she looks just like Auntie Maring, her godmother. We were having so much fun playing when our mom walked in on us. We stood there frozen, just looking at each other. Mama never said anything.
Words Do Hurt. They Sting
I always felt the need to protect Yssam and just recently she told me that she always feels like she has to defend herself.
"It hurts," she said.
All the insults and snickering she has to bear almost on a daily basis. So she decided to toughen up.
"You have to be tough and not let people's insults and hurtful words get to you. But they still get to me from time to time. I am only human afterall."
Toughening Up
One time at her previous work, after being fed up with all the snickering and insulting jabs she's been receiving, she went to the company's HR and reported these 3 men who kept on snickering and insulting her whenever she happens to pass by them. Kudos to their HR head. She actually reprimanded the 3 men and asked them to apologize to Yssam. They did come to her and tried to apologize.
Yssam told them that she had no plans of making their lives miserable as revenge, but she asked them what they were sorry about. And when they couldn't answer her, she told them to think about what they did wrong and come to her again once they are ready to be sincere with their apologies and not just because their HR head told them to do so.
Dealing with Stereotypes
When Yssam came back to our hometown for a visit, dressed up as who she is, a woman, a number of people did make assumptions about her. She told me, one time when she went to play tennis at the tennis club where we used to play, one new player asked if she worked in a beauty salon. She smiled, said no and told her that she's actually a registered nurse. After revealing this fact, she saw the shock in his face. This happened again a number of times.
She told me that people would usually automatically assume that transwomen work in beauty salons like that's the only thing they can do - which clearly, is not the case. Although there is nothing wrong with being a beautician, she wishes that people would see transwomen beyond this stereotype.
Yssam moved to Bangkok and lived there for a few years. When she moved there, I would sometimes hear a few family members joking that she went there so she can go under the knife or to have a sex change operation. I always felt uncomfortable with this joke and would usually say, well that's her decision to make.
I'm uncomfrtable with how people see sex change operation as a joke. It creates this stigma that people who undergo this procedure are a joke when they are not. I asked Yssam if she was planning to undergo sex change operation. She said that as of the moment, she doesn't feel like doing it and has no plans of doing so.
Love is Love
Just last year, Yssam introduced me and my girlfriend, Michee to the love of her life. I was so happy to hear the news. Thomas is such a sweet guy and he makes Yssam happy and we got along really quickly. How, I wish that Mommy (our late grandmother) could have met him too. She'd definitely welcome Thomas and embrace him as family just as she did with my girlfriend. Our late grandmother had such an open mind and a huge huge heart.
Yssam and Thomas. Such a lovely couple
A Mom's Unconditional Love
The day after I met Thomas, they had a trip booked to our home town for Thomas to meet the family. I was a bit nervous for Yssam. I called my mom up and asked her how she felt about Yssam bringing home Thomas. I felt relieved, happy, and proud of my mom when she said, she's good with everything. She even said that my siblings kept asking her if she was ready for the situation. And my mom said she has been ready for a long time.
I also gave my 13-year old nephew a ring and asked him to make sure that all the kids in our family treat Yssam and Thomas with respect. He promised to do so and when I gave him a ring back a few days later, he told me all the fun they had with Yssam and Thomas. And he said he found Thomas to be a good guy. I was happy to hear this from my nephew. It gave me hope that the younger generation can be more accepting and have an open heart.
Transgenders are Humans
Yssam is currently in Europe right now with Thomas. Although I do miss her, I would often tell her that I wish she stays there. There is still so much hatred and violence against the LGBTQs especially against transwomen here in our country. And I am always afraid for her. I told her to stay far away and I'll do the rallying for equality here.
I hope one day, our fellow Filipinos would start opening their hearts and see the LGBTQs simply as human beings just like them, and stand up for their inherent rights to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness.
One day soon, I still believe that the Philippines will stand firm against hatred.
She'll Always Be My Dearest Sister
No matter how old we get, and no matter where life takes us I would still remember Yssam as the person who made and makes me feel safe and loved. I would always look back to that day when our eldest sister, who was in high school then, forgot to pick us up from our preschool.
The school bus had left and as the last teacher was leaving she asked us if we were sure someone was picking us up. We said yes and told her we'll just wait. We lived in a small laid back town, and back then almost everybody knew each other and were trusting of each other (I hope that is still the case with our hometown). So I guess that's why the teacher felt that it was okay to leave us there.
But after waiting and waiting, Yssam told me that we had to get home by ourselves. We never did that ever. It was either we rode the school bus or somebody took us home. She held my hand firmly and we started walking. I had no idea where we were going. But Yssam kept reassuring me that we will get home. And we did.
